Red Flags tell you if you’re the toxic friend. We all want to think we are “the good friend.” We are “the good friend” and others are toxic. Here’s the problem, though, we can’t all be right. Usually, there are some red flags in friendships that point to you (or the friend) being the toxic one. 

In case this is the first time you’re hearing this term in relation to friendship: “toxic friendship” refers to a friendship that eats away at those in it; One that is unhealthy or just downright damaging. 

Most likely, we’ve all had at least one toxic friendship before, and I’d bet we’ve all been the toxic friend one time before. (At least)

In my case, I was the toxic friend off and on for about a decade of my life. It hit me around 28 that the problem with my repeating friendship issues couldn’t ONLY be the friends, sometimes it had to be me.  I like to think of the ages of 21-28 as my toxic years, and not just because of Britney Spears song. 

Here are red flags to look for in a friendship that may point to  YOU being the toxic friend:

Red Flag #1: You NEED to be the one talking

GUILTY!

I’m a former improviser/theater kid who loves to hear herself speak. Now, sometimes, you’re talking to someone and they trigger a story, so you tell it. That’s normal. That’s conversation. 

BUT – Sometimes someone says something and you literally watching their mouth for when it closes enough for you to speak, but you don’t actually listen. That time you may be toxic. 

If you’re in a conversation so you can be heard, you may be toxic. 

Conversations and friendships are give and take

How to be less toxic with this? Apologize for interrupting if you’re someone who doesn’t wait for your turn.  Don’t just sit there counting the ratio of how many people have spoken before it’s okay for you to speak. Talking more doesn’t mean you have more to say. Make it a goal next time you’re talking to a friend to hold your tongue and listen. 

Red Flag #2: You pick fights when people don’t give you the exact feedback you want

Speaking as a former toxic bitch, In the past, I’d pick arguments or try to force topics for a specific goal. I can remember exact times when I’d put myself down in a way in order to get certain phrases said back to me. Sometimes, I’d even compliment people just so they had to compliment me back. 

Often, (especially in FWB situations) I’d pick a fight so that I’d have to be the center of their attention for the night.

Yea, that’s toxic. 

Life is not a script of a tv show. You are not Shonda Rhimes and your friends are not actors for you to push around and feed lines to. 

Toxic people try to control what others say to them and how they act. 

How to be less toxic with this? Make it a goal to thank someone and say NOTHING ELSE when they provide you feedback. Bite that tongue, literally, if necessary.

Red Flag  #3: You really held on to the idea of the word “exact” on #2 and are using it as a way to prove you were not the toxic friend

I love words, and they mean a lot to me. In fact, in arguments with my current boyfriend (and a lot with old boyfriends), I would dissect every word they said or texted to me. If they did All or Nothing thinking (using always or never when sometimes or rarely were more accurate), I would jump in with an example of ONE TIME their complaint didn’t apply to discredit their argument. 

Now, all or nothing thinking is also pretty toxic, but trying to explain that you’re not selfish cause you bought someone a drink once is pretty much like saying “I’m not sexist, I have a sister.” 

Uh-uh you’re getting hung up on the details. 

How to be less toxic with this? Toxic is a spectrum you may run up and down. You can be the toxic person in one friendship and totally placid in others. If you’re jumping on one-off examples of why some of these don’t apply to you, but you’re finding a lot more examples of ways they do apply to you, you may be the toxic friend. 

I bet you’ve been toxic more often than you’re comfortable admitting. Guess what? It’s not too late to work on yourself and bring down your toxicity spectrum. 

Here is a little journal prompt for you. Think back to your last argument with a friend, and describe what happened. What were you feeling? What was the motivation in your words? When were you trying to wound? Now… do the same as the last time you were there for someone. How did it differ? How did you feel? What was your motivation? 

What are some red flags you’ve found that point to you OR SOMEONE ELSE being a toxic friend?