How can we know if we are a toxic friend?
When I wrote my last post on this topic, I found the list of traits I used to have which were toxic growing far too long for a single article. Therefore, I bring you 4 MORE red flags which point to you being the toxic friend…
Red Flag 1: You defend yourself before you listen
We all want to be understood. We want our friends to see us, hear us, and understand us. That is completely reasonable!
If, however, each time someone brings something up that bothers them, rubbed them the wrong way, or even made them laugh, you feel the need to defend yourself… watch out. You may be acting a toxic friend…
If you both feel the need AND act on it, watch out. Defensiveness is an exhausting character trait many of us show. I have this urge to defend myself (mainly pulled from a desire to not look stupid) that I bite my tongue on because when you are the person speaking to a defensive person, you hate it. DO NOT BE DEFENSIVE.
Defensiveness is useless and encourages toxicity.
Red Flag 2: You find Jealousy to be a reasonable character trait for day-to-day life
Often, we get Envy and Jealous confused. For this piece, I’m going to use jealousy to mean a feeling you experience when you perceive that someone in your life is going to get something you think you’re entitled to.
Examples: A friend gaining the attention of a person you’re interested in, someone getting a promotion you wish to be offered.
Jealousy is normal. I think it is completely reasonable to feel jealousy if a recent ex kisses someone in front of you (don’t act on it though). I think disappointment in losing out on a promotion to someone is normal.
What isn’t good, and what is toxic (and makes you a toxic friend), is letting that run the show. I’ve lost out on promotions to friends before. I was jealous of the position they were in, but I was not thinking I was cheated by them. Me not getting that promotion in no way meant I wasn’t happy for my friend. I did not try to ruin their joy due to my toxic jealousy. You must not hurt others from your negative feeling.
Feel your feelings, but don’t act on the negative ones especially when it comes to friendship. If you’re jealous your friend has a better job and you start gossiping about them or acting out in a way that diminishes their job, stop. Red flag, you are being toxic.
Red Flag 3: You hate when people flake, but you yourself do it.
Hypocrisy remains at the top of the most toxic traits. Just like with jealousy, some hypocrisy is normal. I understand parents who smoke but tell their kids not to, for instance. I know that I hate when people act defensively to me at work, but then I catch myself writing out defensive sentences back to the same people the next week.
One type of hypocrisy that shows up a lot in toxic friendships is flaking. As a reformed flake, I can speak with confidence here.
I used to flake due to anxiety, depression, desire to do something better, exhaustion, annoyance, jealousy, etc. You name it. Then, I’d be upset if the same person would flake on me the week after.
We teach people how to treat us, to an extent. (for instance, no one who is being abused taught people to abuse them, and they in no way deserve it). For flaking, though, short of chronic anxiety (which I find to be a reasonable reason, especially during panic attacks) you’re being a toxic hypocrite if you think you can flake on others but they can’t flake on you.
That is you telling people that their time and calendar are worth less than yours. Friends deserve better. If you’re gonna be a flake, fine, but then don’t be mad when others flake on you.
Flaking is CONTAGIOUS. Overly flaking makes you the TOXIC FRIEND.
Red Flag 4: You tell people what they need/want to hear because it will make you look better.
In truth, like most things, I find being toxic is often in the motivation more than the act. Someone, on the surface, MAY seem like a wonderful friend. They are attentive, maybe. They always remember your birthdays, maybe. Maybe, they shower you with love. But if the only reason they are doing that is so that they get something in return OR so that you think they are amazing, they ARE toxic.
Look at the reasons behind your actions.
For me, I tell people things now because I love them, and I believe all that I say. I don’t lie to people to make them feel better or worse, and if I think someone needs to hear something nice, I give them something authentic, because they deserve that. Falsehoods breed falsehoods.
I used to compliment shoes because I wanted someone to see my shoes. That is so toxic. Do not be me.
Let’s do another little journal prompt to work through your toxic friend characteristics:
Think back to a time you noticed hypocrisy in someone else. What were they doing? How was it hypocrisy? How did you react? Now, when was a type you were hypocritical? What were the effects? How aware of it were you at the moment? What was the motivation behind each version of the stance you took for hypocrisy?
